An unwritten rule gives a man over forty a choice: a motorbike, a mistress or a marathon. Three ways of announcing that there is still some life in him. One requires a helmet, one requires an explanation, and one requires everyone at dinner to hear about his knees.
Before committing, it is worth looking beyond the brochure. There are four accounts to settle: money, time, the relationship at home and the body expected to carry the plan.
There is also the view from the pavement. In his head, the rider is Steve McQueen. To the person waiting at the crossing, he may be a man from accounts who has bought a very loud way of going for coffee. The helmet does not come with control over the audience.
A motorbike is an efficient way of making a midlife crisis visible from a distance. Whether there is actually a crisis inside the jacket is another question. He may just like motorbikes.
The wallet
The motorbike is refreshingly clear about its intentions. There is a price on it. Then there is clothing, insurance, maintenance and a collection of things the man in the shop assures you are essential. At least most of the expenditure can be discussed in daylight. There may also be something left to sell.
Running has the better opening offer. Shoes, a road and off you go. The road remains free. The rest can develop: a watch, entry fees, hotels, travel and a second pair of shoes for a surface you had previously called the ground. It is perfectly possible to run cheaply. It is also possible to turn a Sunday morning into a procurement department.
An affair is harder to budget. Dinner is a visible expense. The consequences, should the arrangement come to light, are another matter. The person treating secrecy as a financial plan has left a few cells out of the spreadsheet.
The diary
A motorbike can wait in the garage. A marathon date tends to work backwards through the calendar, reserving increasingly large pieces of it. The race itself is the small part. The long runs, the preparation and the afternoons spent recovering have to fit somewhere.
An affair needs time too, with the added inconvenience that the diary cannot simply say what the appointment is. Keeping two versions of a Wednesday sounds exhausting before anyone has had a good time.
Then the phone lights up during dinner. Nothing dramatic has happened. It is only a notification. The evening now requires more concentration than dinner usually deserves.
None of the three creates extra hours. Someone else may be quietly supplying them.
The person at home
The motorbike may start a discussion about risk and money. The marathon tends to arrive carrying the word healthy, which can make the discussion about time strangely difficult. Objecting to another abandoned Saturday now sounds like objecting to cardiovascular fitness.
The useful distinction is agreement. A hobby can be discussed, shared or negotiated. A concealed affair denies the other person that choice. It is not merely an unusually complicated leisure activity.
Running can still be selfish. A wholesome label does not take the children anywhere.
Perhaps he becomes more attentive at home. Flowers arrive on a Tuesday. That may be affection. It may also be an attempt to keep the domestic weather favourable. A bouquet is not a reliable diagnostic tool.
The body
The motorbike offers speed with physical exposure. Rider vulnerability in a collision is a real issue (NHTSA). Equipment and training matter; neither turns a motorcycle into a car.
Running has a sounder health argument. Regular physical activity has well-established benefits (WHO). That is a case for moving, not proof that a marathon, or a longer race, is the right distance for every body. The training has to make sense for the person doing it.
There is no serious way to give an affair a health score in this comparison. It brings other people, their choices and the consequences of secrecy into the picture. A numerical ranking would be theatre.
The decision
All three options can make showering when you get home mandatory. For different reasons.
The marathon can make one feel fit and invincible, the motorbike can make one feel tough and free, and the mistress can make one feel desired and guilty.
The marathon is the easiest option to recommend across a dinner table. It can cost less, offers a reason to exercise and does not require a second version of the diary. The motorbike has its own honest appeal. The affair is hardly ever one to brag about.
The marathon has one further advantage. When your partner says, "Go on, get out of the house," you can take it as encouragement.